Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well no I was an accountant.

I like children - fried.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Everybody knows how to raise children except the people who have them.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel so that when you yell the name will carry.