Now I know you expected me to say that well I just kick back in the rocking chair fished a little bit listened to Willie Nelson tapes and watched old baseball games on the Classic Sports network. And tell you the truth I have done that for maybe about five total minutes.

I don't necessarily love the sports per se I love the stories behind them. Also in a kind of perverse way I like to study what it does to us why we care so much. It's caring about something that's utterly meaningless.

I'm not good at anything except writing jokes. I wasn't good at sports I wasn't good at anything artsy ever. I think there was a real worry for a while about what I would be good at. I was just this chubby little Indian kid who looked like a nerd.

Sports teaches you character it teaches you to play by the rules it teaches you to know what it feels like to win and lose-it teaches you about life.

What's unfortunate about buying a pitcher for $12 million is that he carries no warranty.

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

Life is about timing.

The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey. The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front. The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

You shouldn't get to live in society and give nothing back. People complain about their taxes yet they do nothing for the community. That makes me furious.