When I turned about 12 or 13 I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

I love Mikhail Bulgakov. He is very original and takes the story to unexpected places. I didn't realise political writing could be so funny.

So what I do now is to pre-empt that by making the up into a virtue and telling funny stories about how crap I am before people have a chance to notice it for themselves and think maybe I haven't realised.

As a five-year-old in Berlin in 1965 I didn't know that funny women existed. It wasn't until I got back to England that I realised women could be funny.

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics that action and reaction are equal and opposite that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

That save from Pele's header was the best I ever made. I didn't have any idea how famous it would become - to start with I didn't even realise I'd made it at all.

I'm often asked if I regret not going to Hollywood. I'm glad I didn't go because if I had I wouldn't have my extended family which is the fabric of my life. Only recently have I realised how special and unusual it is.

I realised how paranoid and guarded and not trusting - walled-in - I had become. Not consciously so but just this armour that I kind of have protective armour. It's not for my friends or family but for being.outside in the world always on guard.

We do not realise that we are children of eternity. If we did then success would be no success and failure would be no failure to us.