I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job.

I used to say I wanted somebody funny and intelligent but kindness is the most important quality in a man.

You know I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.

It's funny - if you impersonate somebody they have no idea it's them.

I don't really get shaken very much. People could heckle me a spotlight could go out I could forget a lyric... I'm not operating on somebody's brain you know what I mean? So I just think it's all funny.

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

Everything is funny as long as it's happening to somebody else.

I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks they are always locking three.

I believe that if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party.